Sweet and Spicy

So even though I'm going to provide you with the obligatory before and after turkey pictures



the only recipe I really feel like bothering to share this year is the recipe for my scalloped sweet potatoes, which I made for the third year in a row. Thanksgiving was exhausting this year - we had a big crowd and Hubby and I were both sick like woah - so it's all kind of a blur. I know the bird was fucking huge and the sweet potatoes turned out to be the best yet, which is why I was too busy stuffing my face to snap a picture of them. Sorry!

Scalloped Spicy Sweet Potatoes

a shitload of sweet potatoes (8 - 10, depending on size)
1 pint heavy cream
2 tbsp cold butter
6 - 8 whole fresh sage leaves
1 tbsp whole cumin seed
fresh nutmeg
red pepper flakes
salt and pepper
1 tbsp brown sugar

Preheat the oven to 350°. Slice all the sweet potatoes thinly, preferably with a mandoline (less work than with a knife). Leave the peels on if you're lazy, or take them off before slicing if you want the dish to be its prettiest. Toss the cumin seeds into a saucepan on medium heat and toast them until they begin to give off a fragrance but before they burn. Pour the cream into the saucepan and add the sage leaves. Stir frequently. As the cream reduces, arrange sweet potato slices in a casserole dish. Once the cream begins to thicken, grate a little fresh nutmeg into it and add the salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes to taste (a little goes a long way). Let the cream continue to reduce with the added ingredients for a minute or two, then pour the cream over the potato slices, being careful to not let the cumin and sage all clump up in one spot. Smoothe the cream-coated leaves out over the potatoes so that they look pretty.

How many times did I say "cream" in that paragraph? Not enough. Cream, cream, cream, creeeeeeeeam. There, that's better.

Dice the cold butter up into little bits and sprinkle them over the top of the potatoes. Finally, sprinkle the brown sugar on top of everything. Bake that fucker for 30 - 45 minutes, depending on how thinly you sliced the potatoes.

Now go stuff your face, and remember to wipe the cream off your mouth when you're finished.

Going Down Easy

Since Kate asked...

Minted Strawberry Limeade

2 oz good vodka
2 sliced strawberries
5 or 6 fresh mint leaves
3 limes
Rose's Lime Juice
sugar
seltzer
ice

Place the mint and strawberries in the bottom of a pint glass with a tablespoon or so of sugar and muddle with a wooden spoon. Juice the limes and sweeten with sugar to taste. Add the vodka and lime juice to the muddled mint and strawberries, toss in a dash of the Rose's, then top off with seltzer and ice.

It's hot and wet out today, and not in the nice way, so this cocktail went down a treat.

Now go stuff whatever you feel like stuffing.

Summer Lovin'

It's summer. Let's smother ourselves in sweet, sticky goodness.


Strawberry Shortcake

1 pint of fresh strawberries
1/4 - 1/2 cup sugar
1 cup flour
1 1/4 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
3 tbsp cold, unsalted butter
1/2 cup milk
1 cup heavy whipping cream

At least an hour before you plan to eat, wash and slice the strawberries and toss them in a bowl with some sugar (about a quarter cup should be plenty, but perhaps you like your berries a bit sweeter). Put the berries in the fridge to mascerate. While you're at it, toss a clean bowl into the freezer. We'll get to that later.

Preheat oven to 450°. Combine flour, baking powder, and salt in a bowl. Cut butter into small cubes, then cut the butter into the flour mixture, using a pastry cutter (or using two knives, if you don't have a pastry cutter) until the mixture has the consistency of breadcrumbs. Add the milk all at once and mix with a wooden spoon just until combined. Do not overmix or your biscuits will suck, and not in the nice way. Spoon the batter onto an ungreased cookie sheet into areola-sized mounds, about an inch apart from each other, and bake the biscuits for about 10 minutes, or until their bottoms are nicely toasted.

While the biscuits are baking, go get that bowl out of the freezer, pour in the heavy cream, grab a whisk and get to work. If you're lazy, you can use an electric mixer, but I reserve the right to mock you for it. When the cream is nice and fluffy and forming soft peaks, add some sugar (a couple of tablespoons ought to do it, but you're welcome to use more if your sweet tooth is working overtime) and continue whipping (mmm...whipping) until the whipped cream (mmm...cream) forms stiff peaks (mmm...stiff).

Grab your biscuits out of the oven, toss a couple into a shallow bowl, top with a mess of the mascerated strawberries and a big dollop of whipped cream, and go stuff your face.

Me, I'm going to go take a cold shower.

Spreading the Love

I thought I should share the recipes from this year's Bacon Party. Sharing is caring!


Bacon Mary

1 - 2 oz bacon vodka
1/2 cup fresh tomato juice (toss some tomatoes into your food processor, pulverize, then push through a mesh strainer)
1/2 tbsp creamy style horseradish
juice of 1/4 lemon
dash celery salt
dash worcestershire sauce
dash tobasco or other hot pepper sauce
celery stick
1 slice bacon
ice

Combine tomato juice, horseradish, lemon juice, celery salt, worcestershire sauce, and tobasco sauce and adjust seasoning to taste. Mix with the bacon vodka in a shaker, pour over ice, and garnish with a celery stick and a slice of bacon.


Bacon-wrapped Grilled Kielbasa

1 lb high-quality kielbasa (we get ours from a local Polish smokehouse)
1/2 lb thick-cut bacon
1/4 cup maple syrup
3 tbsp mustard
chili powder
fire (wood fire preferable, gas grill okay, charcoal not so much)

Cut the kielbasa into luscious little one-to-two-inch chunklets, plunge into a saucepan full of water, bring to a simmer, then remove from the water and wrap each one with half a slice of bacon. Impale the meaty little niblets with moistened bamboo skewers and commence grilling. Combine maple syrup, mustand, and chili powder in a bowl and, once the bacon is crisp, brush the meat on all sides with the glaze and grill for a few additional minutes. Mmm...smoky, sweet, spicy meat.


Bacon Salad

one head iceberg lettuce (yes, that's right, iceberg)
4 oz gorgonzola cheese
4 - 6 slices thick-cut bacon (or, y'know, more)
1/2 cup balsamic vinegar
2 or 3 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
juice of 1 lemon
salt and pepper

I should note up front that the only time I ever buy iceberg lettuce is when I'm making this salad. You can certainly make the salad with other types of lettuce, but I find the bland, watery crunch of iceberg helps put the flavors of the cheese and bacon at the fore, and really, isn't that what we all want?

Okay, so, while the bacon is frying, put the balsamic in a small saucepan on low heat and reduce to a syrupy consistancy, taking care not to burn it. Smash the head of lettuce stem-side down against the kitchen counter to loosen the stem from the leaves, then pull out the stem and run the intact head under water, rinsing the leaves well. Shake the head (heh heh), then cut into quarters, halve the quarters, and toss into a large bowl. By now, your bacon should be done and your balsamic reduced to a nice glaze. Drain the bacon on a paper towel and crumble into bits over the lettuce. Without washing your hands, crumble the cheese over the lettuce, then take a moment to lick your fingers clean. Mmmmm. Whisk together the lemon juice and olive oil, add salt and pepper to taste, and toss with the lettuce, bacon, and cheese. Finish by drizzling the balsamic reduction over the whole thing. Or anywhere else that needs a little drizzle of something sweet and tangy.

Now go stuff your face. Me, I'm going to be working off my bacon hangover.

Ménage à Trois

When I began planning for this year's Bacon Party, I knew I'd be making the bacon vodka recipe that McAuliflower posted over at Brownie Points, but inspiration really hit when I read her Magic Shell recipe, in which she suggests making Magic Shell flavored with bacon. That was enough for me! The thought of three of my favorite fats (butterfat, bacon fat, and coconut oil) making sweet love on my tongue simultaneously just about made my pants explode. I was in.

Bacon Magic Shell

100g bar of eating chocolate
4 tbsp virgin coconut oil (see note below)
3 strips thick-cut bacon
1 tbsp maple syrup (if using white chocolate)
pinch of salt


First, a note about the coconut oil. In her recipe, McAuliflower calls for refined coconut oil, as virgin coconut oil has a more pronounced flavor. Unfortunately, my local hippie supermaket only had virgin oil in stock. I figured the stronger coconut flavor wouldn't blow the end result, and I was right. I'd like to try the recipe again with refined oil, though, for comparison's sake.

Okay, so the first order of business was to start the bacon frying while gently melting the coconut oil over low heat.


Mmm...bacon. After frying, I blotted the excess fat off the bacon with my tongue a paper towel and put a slice and a half into the warm coconut oil and left it over low heat for about fifteen minutes, then set it aside to cool.


I ended up making three kinds of Magic Shell: one milk chocolate with bacon, one maple-flavored white chocolate with bacon, and one dark chocolate with peppermint extract and no bacon. I had toyed with the idea of making the third with dark chocolate, red pepper flakes, and bacon, but then I remembered that I had some peppermint extract, and I do so love the dark chocolate with peppermint, so that was that.

The milk chocolate was first. I warmed four tablespoons of the bacon-flavored coconut oil over low heat, than added the milk chocolate bar, broken into small pieces, and stirred until the oil and chocolate blended. I tossed in a strip and a half of finely diced cooked bacon and a pinch of salt, then set it aside to cool. Easy.

The white chocolate was next. Again, I warmed four tablespoons of the bacon-y oil and added the chocolate, but the addition of the maple syrup complicated matters a bit. I didn't want to go overboard with it, fearing that too much would cause the Magic Shell to be too gooey, but I wanted to make sure I used enough to impart a noticeable maple flavor. Adding it gradually, I ended up using about a tablespoon of maple syrup, and found that it affected the crispness of the Magic Shell only slightly. Again, I tossed in salt and finely diced cooked bacon at the end and set it aside to cool.

When it came time to taste my results, I warmed both types of Bacon Magic Shell in a cup of hot water, then drizzled them both over some vanilla ice cream. The verdict: obscenely delicious. The little bits of bacon added nice texture to the crunchy goodness of the shell, and both textures against the cool smoothness of the ice cream made for a terrific mouth feel.

And the flavor? Oh, my head. Smoky, salty, creamy, sweet heaven.


So go stuff your face, baby.

Bleeding Hearts

For Valentine's Day, parents were invited to bring in treats at my kid's preschool. I made jam hearts. They are sweet and sticky and messy and bad for you and this recipe will make about twenty of them, which should be enough for you to indulge yourself without having to feel too guilty afterward.

Jam Heart Cookies

2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/8 tsp ground cloves
1/8 tsp freshly groung nutmeg
2 sticks softened, unsalted butter
2/3 cup sugar
1 1/4 cup finely ground walnuts
1 cup strawberry jam (I like Bonne Maman)
two cookie sheets, lined with parchment or aluminum foil
two heart-shaped cookie cutters, one small and one large

Mix together flour and spices in a bowl and set aside. Cream butter and sugar in a standing mixer with a paddle attachment, or use a large bowl, a wooden spoon, and your upper body strength. When butter and sugar mixture is light and fluffy, add the nuts, and then the flour and spice mixture and combine well. Everything is better with nuts. Dough will be crumbly and a bit fragile. Insert wry analogy about love here. Place a sheet of plastic wrap on your counter or workspace and scoop half of dough out onto it. Fold plastic wrap around the dough and press together into a rectangle about 1/2" thick. Set aside, then repeat with the remaining dough. Chill both halves of the dough in the refrigerator for at least an hour. Have a drink.

Preheat oven to 350° when you are ready to make the cookies. Take out one of the halves of the dough and cut in half again, returning one of the quarters to the refrigerator and unwrapping the other quarter. Place the unwrapped dough on a sheet of waxed paper on your work surface and place another sheet of waxed paper on top of it. You may need to pound the dough a bit with your rolling pin before you can roll it out smoothly. You may not need to, but you may want to anyway, just because it feels good to smack something every now and then. Roll the dough out to about 1/4" thickness, then cut out as many hearts as you can with the large cookie cutter and use the small cookie cutter to cut out a smaller heart from the center of half of the large hearts. This will serve as a window when you sandwich the two halves of the cookie together. The small leftover hearts can be sandwiched together as well. Place hearts on the cookie sheet and roll out dough scraps a second time, cutting out as many more hearts as you can. Discard leftover dough once it has been rolled out twice. Bake hearts for about 15 minutes, or until they are a light golden brown, then set aside to cool while you roll out and cut the next batch of dough.

Once hearts are cooled, warm up jam in a small saucepan and spoon a quarter-sized amount onto the center of each of the large, windowless hearts, then top with one of the hearts with the window cut out. Use less jam for the small hearts, unless you want a lof of jam oozing out the sides when you sandwich them together. Me, I like getting messy.


I could crack wise here about eating your heart out but I think instead I'll just encourage you to go stuff your face.

New Year's Pie

For the past eighteen years, I have celebrated New Year's Eve with my best friend Bosom Buddy. It is my favorite tradition. When Hubby joined the scene, a new tradition began: the New Year's quiche.

Bacon Quiche

1/2 lb sliced bacon
1/2 cup diced scallion
1/2 lb grated gruyère cheese
3 large eggs
3/4 cup heavy cream
3/4 cup milk
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp fresh ground black pepper
1/8 tsp fresh ground nutmeg
1 pie crust (use this recipe or, if you're feeling lazy, use a frozen pie crust)

Preheat the oven to 375°. Cook off the bacon in a cast iron skillet just until crisp and set aside on a plate covered with a paper towel. Grate the cheese and dice the scallions while you're waiting for the paper towels to absorb some of the bacon grease. Mound the grated cheese in the center of the pie crust. Crumble up the bacon into bitty bits, being sure to enjoy the heady aroma and the slick feel on your hands when you are done. Spread the crumbled bacon and the diced scallions around the cheesy mound. Beat the eggs mercilessly, then combine with the milk, cream, salt, pepper, and nutmeg. Pour the egg mixture into the pie crust, then top with an extra little bit of ground pepper. Bake for 25-30 minutes, or until filling is set and golden brown. Let the quiche cool for at least ten minutes before cutting into it or you'll have a big, runny mess on your hands (which, under some circumstances, is delightful, but not so much in this case).

Oh god, how I love bacon.


It's often best when paired with something creamy, like cheese...or chocolate. Sweet Sysm gave me a Vosges' bacon bar as a Christmas present, and I finally broke into it last night.


All I can say is mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Happy New Year! Now go stuff your face.

Thanksgiving With Tits

The meal yesterday was delightful. Hubby and I busted our butts cooking all day, so I'm mad tired and don't feel like posting a bunch of recipes, but I will tell you about the stuffing, because it was chock full of meaty goodness and y'all know how much I like the meaty goodness.

Stuffed With Pork

1/2 lb bacon, diced
1/2 lb pancetta, diced
1 large shallot, finely diced
1 sweet yellow onion, diced
2 apples, diced
2 stalks celery, diced
1 loaf stale white bread, cubed
fresh sage, finely diced
fresh thyme, finely diced
apple cider
white wine
salt & pepper


Cook bacon in a large sauté pan until crispy. Set bacon aside on a paper towel to drain. Restrain yourself from eating it all.


Toss celery, apple, and onion into the bacon fat in the pan and sauté for just a minute of two. Don't overcook, or your stuffing will be hopelessly mushy. Remove from pan and set aside.


Toast the cubed bread in the bacon fat. Set aside.


Toss in the pancetta and the shallot and sauté just until both take on a nice, golden crispness.


Combine all ingredients in a large bowl and toss in the fresh herbs. Moisten stuffing with equal parts cider and white wine. Go slowly, adding just a little liquid at a time. Stuffing should be a little squishy but not wet. Season with salt and pepper to taste.


Stuff the cavity of the turkey and secure the drumsticks together with a bit of twine. If you care to, truss the bird properly. I think it's more work than is necessary, but whatever. Maybe you're not as lazy as I am. If you want to get a little fancy with minimal effort, loosen the fascia by gently rubbing your fingers between the skin and the flesh and then place a few sage leaves under the skin. If you want to throw caution to the wind, cut a few slits in the skin and press some gobs of butter under there. Mmm...butter.


All done!


The table. Clockwise from upper left: stuffing, pearl onions baked in cream flavored with bacon and shallot, scalloped sweet potatoes with sage and cumin, steamed green beans, mashed potatoes, oven-roasted brussels sprouts with butter and citrus zest, oyster dressing. Gravy is in the french press pitcher in the middle because my mother, like me, is crazy and has no gravy boat.


The greatest point of pride for me: my pumpkin pie, made with oven-roasted pumpkin and served with real whipped cream, lovingly beaten by hand and lightly sweetened with maple syrup.


The second greatest point of pride for me: that I cooked the meal wearing completely impractical but terrifically cute party shoes.

Hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving, baby. Next year, you're welcome to come stuff your face with me.

Hunka Hunka Burning Crap

Ever since I first heard that Reese's was planning to release limited edition peanut butter and banana Reese's cups, I've been eager to try them. I finally got to.





The verdict? Ew. You want the rest?


My advice: do it properly.

Fried Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich

Go get a loaf of white bread, a jar of creamy peanut butter, a banana, a stick of butter, and a frying pan. Mash the banana up with a fork and smear it on one slice of bread, spread peanut butter on another slice, throw 'em together, melt the butter in a pan, grill that fucker, then go stuff your face.

Bitter and Salty

Like tears, yo. Make a batch of this, get a loaf of good, crusty sourdough bread, open a bottle of wine, and drown your sorrows.

Black Olive Tapenade

1 cup kalamata olives, pitted by you
1 large clove garlic
a fistful of fresh flat-leaf parsley
1/2 anchovy
as much extra virgin olive oil as you feel like

Pit the olives by pressing them individually under your palm until the olive splits and you can remove the pit. It's pleasurable to do and the flesh of the olives is so much firmer than if you buy pitted olives. The labor is worth it. Toss them into your food processor with the rest of the ingredients. Personally, I find anchovies repellant, but trust me, you don't want to leave it out - you won't taste the anchovy in the tapenade, but you will taste its absence. If you insist on leaving out the anchovy, substitute a dozen or so capers. It won't be the same, though. Tapenade should be briny. Process the ingredients until smooth and glistening with oil. Spread it thickly on bread, or just fucking dig your fingers in.


Go ahead. Stuff your face. Or don't. Whatever.